Images and illusions

Other than my parents, I know myself best, but the majority of the time I know myself through my flaws. I have many of them. I self-analyze quite a lot.

I may have talked about this before, but the root of all my problems is lack of self-confidence. It has lead to excessive self-consciousness, fear of communication or miscommunication, a poor impression on others, lack of leadership skills, and social reclusiveness, among others.

I'm torn between the image I present to other people and the real me inside my mind. The outside image can be weird, dorky, annoying, kind, cold, clumsy, bashful, awkward, innocent, mature, naive, smart, stupid, loyal, deceptive, etc, etc. The list goes on. Perhaps the more relevant question is: where is the line that separates the two personas?

There are 2 images that I (mostly) struggle to frame: one is a cool, calm, mature, intellectual, reserved person; the other, a bright, cheerful, innocent, loud, more frivolous kind of person. In the past few years I have been reading comics with heroes with the former attributes, and heroines with the latter attributes, and, unfortunately, trying to imitate both of them has resulted in a bizarre mix and an equally confused state of mind.

My behavior varies from person to person. I vary from tame cat-like, bubbly (maybe too bubbly), snarky, mature, cute, quiet, in pain, or just random.
Are they all me? Is it normal to feel as if you're debating with ten different versions of you in your head? Does it all matter?

My self-consciousness kicks in: What kind of person do I look like? I must look like a fool. Now I look awkward for trying to be serious again. OMG That's so funny!!! HAHAHA...Oh dear, now I laughed like a lunatic again. @_@

*sigh* The me inside tends to be much calmer, yet still very insecure. And I'm aware that I'm insecure. I know myself best, but it's still so confusing.

This is one reason why I'm desperate yet scared to go to college. I'll be able to start all over without the baggage of past impressions, but it's very possible that I'll be so insecure about myself that I'll end up clamming up to most everyone, rejecting group activities because I need time and a safe distance to become acquainted with other people. And then will it all be the same? What kind of impression do I want to make, the cool one or the bright one? Does it even matter? I don't think so, but I want to look/be perceived a certain way. Then you might say, "But you just have to be yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. If they like you, they'll be your friends and you'll be great friends together because you match each other's true personalities." But sometimes I can't help giving people a certain impression and sometimes it's not one I want to be perceived as.

Too often I'm the "mosquito voice" or the "blank face of slow understanding" or "clumsy with words and actions" or "let's tease her because she reacts so much to it! Even though she hates what we're doing, but that's what makes it so much fun!" I'm sick of it all.

I'm missing high school and my friends so so much but I want to escape from that place so goddamn much too.

Bye. Another time.

Edit: This post was so random and ranting. Sorry that you had to read it. :\