Missing you

I have been back in America for a little over 2 weeks now, attending a summer program at UCSD. Before this, I'd spent 2 days with only my dad in China prior to returning to the US. My mom and sister had returned to my grandma's home and Nanjing, so in effect I did not see my mom for 2 and a half weeks and did not see my dad for 2 whole weeks. Also, I could only communicate to them via email since my mom had my cellphone, still in China.


And it's been the first time I've missed them so badly.


When I went to CTY the first time, age 13, I didn't miss them at all. I was too overwhelmed with what was going on that I had little time to think of them.


The second time I went to CTY, age 15, I called them everyday, babbling about this new logic problem or that exciting sushi rolling activity. So I didn't miss them a lot.


This time, I really missed them. At times when I'm not near them (like now, for instance), there's a weight in the center of my chest and my mood, if it was expressed in terms of weather, would be a sky blanketed with flat gray clouds, where light is refracted and scattered over the earth and people have no shadows.


It may sound heartless, but I feel as if I've only recently come to love my family. I'd always thought my mom was a tad too harsh, but I've grown used to it and can love her and rejoice in hugging her and kissing her cheek. My father can be rough and nonsentimental, but I know I mean a lot to him and he means a lot to me. My sister, my dear, clumsy, lazy, what-are-you-going-to-do-in-your-future sister: I still love you so much.



In light of recent events, I'd probably unconsciously realized something when I went to China. The trip would have been incredibly fun if the situation wasn't so serious. On the plus side, I was able to meet nearly all my relative from both sides of my family. And I found that I just loved them deeply as well. I was overjoyed to see them. Cousins, aunts, uncles, great-aunts and -uncles, grandparents...

I think it was because they loved me and accepted me too. In high school, I feel like I've been losing acquaintances and friends, one by one, until I have only a handful of people who I can call my close friends. So when I rediscovered my family, the people who I can bond with without awkward feelings, my soul leaped in joy. My laughing aunts, blase uncles, my absolutely adorable 2-year-old cousin, my 24-year-old cousin on my dad's side who studies in England and shares my tastes, my 2 other cousins who look almost like twins who could be my long-lost brothers, and my younger brother/cousin who spends every free minute he has playing his PSP, etc. etc.

Back to the present: my parents and sister drove the 2.75 hours to UCSD to visit me yesterday, and my heart was soothed for a time. We watched Harry Potter #6 (which had more humor than the last one, if I recall correctly) and spent the day together. The sun was shining brilliantly and a cool sea breeze blew in from the west.

At least now I have my cell phone, but the webcam they gave me isn't compatible with this laptop....


~Heidy