Other than my parents, I know myself best, but the majority of the time I know myself through my flaws. I have many of them. I self-analyze quite a lot.
I may have talked about this before, but the root of all my problems is lack of self-confidence. It has lead to excessive self-consciousness, fear of communication or miscommunication, a poor impression on others, lack of leadership skills, and social reclusiveness, among others.
I'm torn between the image I present to other people and the real me inside my mind. The outside image can be weird, dorky, annoying, kind, cold, clumsy, bashful, awkward, innocent, mature, naive, smart, stupid, loyal, deceptive, etc, etc. The list goes on. Perhaps the more relevant question is: where is the line that separates the two personas?
There are 2 images that I (mostly) struggle to frame: one is a cool, calm, mature, intellectual, reserved person; the other, a bright, cheerful, innocent, loud, more frivolous kind of person. In the past few years I have been reading comics with heroes with the former attributes, and heroines with the latter attributes, and, unfortunately, trying to imitate both of them has resulted in a bizarre mix and an equally confused state of mind.
My behavior varies from person to person. I vary from tame cat-like, bubbly (maybe too bubbly), snarky, mature, cute, quiet, in pain, or just random.
Are they all me? Is it normal to feel as if you're debating with ten different versions of you in your head? Does it all matter?
My self-consciousness kicks in: What kind of person do I look like? I must look like a fool. Now I look awkward for trying to be serious again. OMG That's so funny!!! HAHAHA...Oh dear, now I laughed like a lunatic again. @_@
*sigh* The me inside tends to be much calmer, yet still very insecure. And I'm aware that I'm insecure. I know myself best, but it's still so confusing.
This is one reason why I'm desperate yet scared to go to college. I'll be able to start all over without the baggage of past impressions, but it's very possible that I'll be so insecure about myself that I'll end up clamming up to most everyone, rejecting group activities because I need time and a safe distance to become acquainted with other people. And then will it all be the same? What kind of impression do I want to make, the cool one or the bright one? Does it even matter? I don't think so, but I want to look/be perceived a certain way. Then you might say, "But you just have to be yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. If they like you, they'll be your friends and you'll be great friends together because you match each other's true personalities." But sometimes I can't help giving people a certain impression and sometimes it's not one I want to be perceived as.
Too often I'm the "mosquito voice" or the "blank face of slow understanding" or "clumsy with words and actions" or "let's tease her because she reacts so much to it! Even though she hates what we're doing, but that's what makes it so much fun!" I'm sick of it all.
I'm missing high school and my friends so so much but I want to escape from that place so goddamn much too.
Bye. Another time.
Edit: This post was so random and ranting. Sorry that you had to read it. :\
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I can relate to this so much.
ReplyDeleteI think some people think I'm this blunt, capricious person who's not afraid to be ridiculous and an oddball; but others think the complete opposite and see me as only this really quiet/shy kid. Likewise my summer program this year is my equivalent of your college, bound by just the same fears .... At the source of my problems too are levels of self-confidence (or lack thereof) that just fluctuate all the time.
I think having multiple facets doesn't make you any less yourself; I've come to accept that simply having all those different sides or personas is who I am. Like an identity built off of not having an identity hahah.
But I think ultimately when you're thinking about what impression you want to present, you have to think about WHY you want this person to think of you this way. If that isn't the image you want to present or that reason isn't something you approve of, remember that it is in your power to change that. And if it's inadvertent, trust that you will almost always eventually have the opportunity to show people your other sides. :)
Everybody's human.
Awwwww Thanks so much for your comment!
ReplyDeleteToday I was thinking back and I realized I forgot to mention how impulsively and inadvertently spazzy I am and this, to me, is a problem because I perceive it as immature behavior. :\
Lol, I think I want to present that image because I emulate so much those personas of cool/smart or bright/liked by everyone. To you and Baro and Marisa and people I try to act mature and tough but with a gentle side, but then my spazziness and "cuteness" (as you would say) leaks out and it almost "demasculates" me. Perhaps I am even a bit afraid of losing that 'aura' of austerity and maturity, but eventually I relaxed more with you guys. Marisa spazzes enough for the 2 of us. I like being your guys' "unnie" haha.
And yes, we are all human.
I can relate.
ReplyDeleteI think you're thinking too hard about how you want to present yourself, how you want others to perceive you. You can't carefully formulate the pros and cons of acting one way versus acting another. While on Teamviewer, I see you deleting potential messages over and over again to try and find the "appropriate" thing to say...
Communication doesn't really work like that :(
When I'm with you, I don't notice multiple sides to Heidy. I just see Heidy. I see Heidy when she is silly, and I see Heidy when she is mature, and I see her when she is blank-faced, and sometimes I see insecure Heidy. As Minnar said you can't expect your character to be pure seriousness, or pure silliness, it's a mix, unless you're saying that all those different facets to your character aren't you at all, and that you're faking everything. That's kind of hard to do, you'd have to be a master at pretending to do that.
Even if you kind of faked those character traits in the beginning, I think that they kind of grew on you, and now you really do have that character.
I'm sorry if I am misunderstanding this post, and I'm sorry that I'm saying this 3 days after the fact. :)
I am sitting next to you sitting next to me sitting next to you sitting next to me sitting next to you.
ReplyDeleteSitting next to me sitting next to you.
Or something like that.
I don't know... I don't think there's "Identity" with a capital I. We're composed of all of our sides, in all our different situations and circumstances, with all of our stupid, senseless, intelligent, beautiful moments.
ReplyDeleteIt's not really two sides of you as much as just two different expressions, extensions. And you're not alone - everyone experiences those moments, those feelings of, "Okay... How do I enter this conversation? Uh.... *cue mosquito voice*"
So I'd say that college isn't so much a place to start over or begin with a clean slate as it is a place to just extend and express differently.
Sorry you had to read this.... I was kind of rambling.
As you could tell. Sitting next to me sitting next to you.