Hello~

The main reason why I don't post often is because I screwed up starting my gmail/blogger account so I have to sign out of my gmail address and sign in using my yahoo email address and it's just annoying...haha...anyway..

I've been at college for a little over a month now, and am currently on fall break (!) To an extent, I still can't believe I'm an 18-year-old college freshman now (or that my sister is a freshman in high school). Now I make (most) all decisions on my own; I choose when do get up in the morning, what I eat for breakfast, when to study, when to sleep, etc. This isn't the first time I've been away from home for weeks at a time, but this time I'll be away for much, much longer and what I'm learning actually counts for a grade.

The naive, innocent me still remains, but I can also tell that I've grown up again. I feel more responsible, more independent, and, well, stressed. It's a complex mix of feelings, but I don't think I'm mentally 15 anymore. This past summer I had also realized why some people want to live apart from their parents. The first couple weeks at college, I missed my family terribly, but now I don't miss them as much anymore; school keeps me too busy.

I have so many thoughts in my mind, but they are so jumbled and contradictory that eventually I don't talk about many of them.

One thing I will say though is about time. The minutes and hours slide away at such a blindingly slow, painstakingly fast speed they hardly seemed to have passed at all until you realize it too late and weeks have already gone, irretrievable as death.

In other news, I haven't gotten awfully sick, I've realized that I can get drunk, and I've realized that I cannot function on less than 5 hours of sleep.

Another time,
Heidy

Falling slowly...

Hello.

I haven't posted in a while...a long while, really...

Plenty of things have happened. I graduated, for one thing. I'll be attending college in the fall, which is always a mixture of anticipation and anxiety and new surroundings. For a while it didn't feel like school had ended. It just felt like I was on an abnormally long weekend...the realization that I may not ever again see some people I've been accustomed to seeing every school day or on occasional weekends hasn't hit me yet. Not quite. I've been preoccupied with a 2-week trip to China to tour and visit relatives, then a piano recital I needed to memorize my pieces for, and currently a medical program in which I shadow doctors and nurses all day.

In China, I saw a graveyard for the first time. I saw an old beggar lady collecting newspapers on the metro train to resell. I saw a trailer for Eclipse on TV (the only trailer I'd ever seen of it). I heard Taylor Swift's "Love Story" on the radio. I huddled under an umbrella with my mom as we tried to navigate through the Shanghai World Expo under the pouring rain. I ate delicious hotpot meals for under ten dollars. I bought breakfast at 5:30 am from across the street. I played with my #!$^&@* ing adorable 3-year-old cousin who resembles me. I had my hair cut by a guy who probably weighed 90 pounds. I saw at least ten of the most light blue, limpid, and beautiful lakes I've ever seen, surrounded by brighter-than-emerald green forest and tourists clicking away at their cameras. I was bitten by mosquitos no less than 15 times. I slept on a foldable bamboo bed. It wasn't too bad. We hung all our clothes out to dry. I didn't see a single dryer in China lol, just drying racks. 82 degrees Celsius is cool weather.

In other news, my guilty music obsession with kpop hasn't let up...and I just bought an album of my favorite group for the first time from a mall in Koreatown. Volunteering at Los Robles has also lost its inital purpose. I may or may not even go there again...I'll miss them...

Bittersweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me~
So goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need~

Images and illusions

Other than my parents, I know myself best, but the majority of the time I know myself through my flaws. I have many of them. I self-analyze quite a lot.

I may have talked about this before, but the root of all my problems is lack of self-confidence. It has lead to excessive self-consciousness, fear of communication or miscommunication, a poor impression on others, lack of leadership skills, and social reclusiveness, among others.

I'm torn between the image I present to other people and the real me inside my mind. The outside image can be weird, dorky, annoying, kind, cold, clumsy, bashful, awkward, innocent, mature, naive, smart, stupid, loyal, deceptive, etc, etc. The list goes on. Perhaps the more relevant question is: where is the line that separates the two personas?

There are 2 images that I (mostly) struggle to frame: one is a cool, calm, mature, intellectual, reserved person; the other, a bright, cheerful, innocent, loud, more frivolous kind of person. In the past few years I have been reading comics with heroes with the former attributes, and heroines with the latter attributes, and, unfortunately, trying to imitate both of them has resulted in a bizarre mix and an equally confused state of mind.

My behavior varies from person to person. I vary from tame cat-like, bubbly (maybe too bubbly), snarky, mature, cute, quiet, in pain, or just random.
Are they all me? Is it normal to feel as if you're debating with ten different versions of you in your head? Does it all matter?

My self-consciousness kicks in: What kind of person do I look like? I must look like a fool. Now I look awkward for trying to be serious again. OMG That's so funny!!! HAHAHA...Oh dear, now I laughed like a lunatic again. @_@

*sigh* The me inside tends to be much calmer, yet still very insecure. And I'm aware that I'm insecure. I know myself best, but it's still so confusing.

This is one reason why I'm desperate yet scared to go to college. I'll be able to start all over without the baggage of past impressions, but it's very possible that I'll be so insecure about myself that I'll end up clamming up to most everyone, rejecting group activities because I need time and a safe distance to become acquainted with other people. And then will it all be the same? What kind of impression do I want to make, the cool one or the bright one? Does it even matter? I don't think so, but I want to look/be perceived a certain way. Then you might say, "But you just have to be yourself. It doesn't matter what other people think of you. If they like you, they'll be your friends and you'll be great friends together because you match each other's true personalities." But sometimes I can't help giving people a certain impression and sometimes it's not one I want to be perceived as.

Too often I'm the "mosquito voice" or the "blank face of slow understanding" or "clumsy with words and actions" or "let's tease her because she reacts so much to it! Even though she hates what we're doing, but that's what makes it so much fun!" I'm sick of it all.

I'm missing high school and my friends so so much but I want to escape from that place so goddamn much too.

Bye. Another time.

Edit: This post was so random and ranting. Sorry that you had to read it. :\

Rant...of sorts...

It's amazing what people do given anonymity and a keyboard. And I'm amazed at how different people can be.

Confession: my guilty music pleasure is currently Korean pop music. Unfortunately, the drama that is currently smoldering around my current favorite band is ten times worse that of Korean soap opera dramas. It makes me upset to a degree I never thought possible in my normally rational, calm self. Not only because it involves my favorite band, but also because the people who are scrutinizing them range from blatantly insulting "antis" to fawning/drooling "stans," both of which range widely on intelligence and maturity levels.

The 'fandom' that had once so adored them has split up into multiple factions because of one major controversy. It saddens me that people's trust can be shattered so easily. I can't believe I'm actually quoting Lady Gaga for this but: "Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broken. But you can still see the cracks." For some fans it did not break; for some it broke, but has mended; and for some, it will never be healed. What saddens me even more is that some particularly angry people go back and 'bash' the group and do things to make the situation even worse.

I don't get it. I had never seen such outright public/anonymous disapproval before. Yes, we have freedom of speech, as long as it's not slander or libel or w/e. But personally, I think love is always always always >>>>>> hate. I have taken on a neutral stance, typical of my personality; one without revenge and with love for both victims of the incident. This, in my opinion, is the best and happiest route to follow.

Taking a step back, I wonder silently and to no one in particular, "Why is so much emotion devoted to something inherently superficial?" Because that's what Kpop is, essentially, and probably what it seems like to most people unacquainted with its huge presence in Korean pop culture. When the fans 'love' someone, they go to unbelievable lengths to express it (like, are you serious lol); and when they don't like him/her...they have equally strong passions. I know Korean people tend to be especially passionate about what they believe in. But hey, it's not life or death. It's not war or politics. These people are human. These groups are meant for entertainment, but the public has attached so many expectations, illusions, and ideals to them that deviations are deemed unacceptable.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but I do know one thing for sure: kpop has changed my life and the way I see the world (for good or bad I have yet to see).

Great Expectations

...by Charles Dickens is lying dejectedly on top my my European History teacher's old copy of Gone with the Wind. Behind them stand some of my school folders (I only use binders for Computer science and English this year) and copies of Watchmen and V for Vendetta. I received Life is Elsewhere by Milan Kundera just today, and I am currently on page 4.

My iPod has long finished charging and still lies next attached to its cord. Next to it is a pile of red: USC and Swarthmore brochures and folders from respective visits. My physics textbook is equally silent.

Articles on gender issues with Animal Farm and a book on psychology clinical tales lies on my pillow, a reminder to myself of reading obligations that I likely will not fulfill ere I slumber. Tomorrow's computer science test is nagging my conscious.

My bed is strewn with some fifty pages of calculus worksheets - preparation for the AP.

There's more. A lot more. Such is my current state of mind.

I feel like I'm approaching a critical mass, but I must not let myself fall that far, for the consequences can be dire. It's seriously bad timing to indulge in the momentous return of my guilty music pleasures.

Time is flying past and I don't know what's been happening. All I know is tomorrow's deadline. I need to sleep more.

Ok time to study.

2 months left

...until I graduate from high school.

o_o

*sobbing*

In the meantime, I have to decide where my new home will be for the next 4/5 years, also affectionately known as college.

This past week was my school's spring break and today, the last day, is the only day I spent sleeping in and staying at home. It's also my grandpa's birthday, incidentally.

My parents, sister, and I went on a whirlwind of college-touring and sightseeing on the east coast. Everyday felt like multiple days because we kept driving around to see the next place. Here's a breakdown that I likely will not embellish due to time constraints:

Friday, April 2: No school. Toured USC pretty thoroughly and briefly UCLA (we missed the relevant tour session). Finalize packing. Piano lesson in which I thoroughly disappoint my piano teacher :'D
Saturday, April 3: Wake up at 3am for a flight from LAX to Atlanta. We arrive in Boston, MA, around 6pm EST.
Sunday, April 4: Took the Boston Transit to "Hahvahd" University. Mom's colleague's daughter who's a graduating pre-med biology major gave us a tour and we lunched together. Harvard = hard core.
Walked around MIT. Very much an engineering school vibe. Boston Red Sox vs. NY Yankees in Fenway Park right outside our window and on our TV = the first time in a long time that baseball became highly interesting.
Monday, April 5: Wellesley College. Like Hogwarts with its medieval-style architecture complete with a lake. By 2PM we were in Brown University, Providence, RI, and by evening we were in Yale University, New Haven, CT. Brown looks more cheerful than Yale, but Yale's more impressive.
Tuesday, April 6: Yale + Brown = amazing places I can never go to. *sniff* Drove to New York, which was more or less what I'd expected. Subways are always exciting. Walked briefly around Columbia, Times Square, and watched "Chicago" on Broadway. Not particularly impressed...
Wednesday, April 7: Saw Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island...sitting on a (free) ferry to and from Staten Island. The line to get on the ferry to Ellis Island would not have been worth it. Walked around NY - Ground Zero (they're building a new WTC and a memorial site), and the NY Stock Exchange. Then Pennsylvania. By this time I'd finished reading the three books I'd brought with me: Like Water for Chocolate, Things Fall Apart, and The Silence of the Lambs. No, I haven't seen the movie, but I do plan to.
Thursday, April 8: Swarthmore (the only college on the east coast that I'd actually got admitted to!) Beautifully green and nice campus. Sat in on Advanced Chinese and Intro to Psych classes, then met a freshman friend from the same high school. We were excited/glad/surprised to see each other.
Friday, April 9: Drove to Baltimore for plane to Atlanta. Finally home by the evening.
Saturday, April 10: Woke up at 5am for Admit Day at UCSD. Slept in the car both ways and still dozed off in info sessions (u_u) It's getting harder for me to decide.
Today: Slept in. Did homework. Prepared for return to routine...

We had absolute gorgeous weather the whole week. It was like we brought SoCal weather with us. My mom must have bewitched the skies, because whenever she wanted a little rain, it'd rain a little, then stop and clear up again. o_o It was warm, bright, and sunny the whole way. We'd packed a bunch of warm clothes but didn't use them in the end. College students everywhere were relishing the spring warmth, as were we.

I think this post is long enough, haha.

Another time.

Good day to all

No, I haven't died. Yet.

Oops...I forgot to post for February. :\

To recap what happened in that month:

1. Interview with Yale and Princeton reps; have been accepted by USC and is a National Merit Finalist. Woot!
2. Took a job at Agoura Kumon Center. I know. I'm not helping the stereotyping in any way. It probably wasn't a very wise decision on my part, but for some reason I was just really itching to get a part-time job and I'm satisfied with where I am (albeit it pays minimum wage :'D)
3. Decided to participate in school's LipSync event (where students lipsync/dance to songs). I've been practicing every Tuesday after school with three juniors. It's fun.
4. Celebrated Chinese New Year
5. Watched the Vancouver Winter Olympics on NBC every night. Did I ever tell you I just love watching the Olympics? I just love how everyone's equal and together and going out for their dreams.
6. Bought three bags of different-flavored Hot Cheetos for my friend's birthday.
7. Had her inner fangirl's heart broken at the departure of her current favorite band's leader.

And yeah...more to come. This is getting to be more like some kind of journal...But I'm actually surprised at just how much happened in this one month... o_o

And as a break from the prose, I penned some poetry that I haven't really finished nor plan to:

It’s certainly not easy to live in this world,
Obstacles in your way constantly hurled.
I am really quite fortunate,
But someone like me has upsets
Just take for example my own life’s quest
I scored low on all of last week’s tests,
Returned books to the library way overdue,
Forgot to refill gas to go to school,
Was overcharged by the Post Office man,
Did a bad flip and injured my head and my hand,
Left homework assignments in the printer tray,
Or just had a really, really bad hair day.
Sometimes these small things throw me for a loop,
Not to mention the big ones that make me reboot,
I heave a big sigh and look at the sky,
Wondering “How am I going to get by?”
But then a bird trills on the branch of a tree,
The dazzling sunlight glints through the leaves,
And lights up my heart and dries up the mopes
Of petty melancholy, wishes, and hopes
I stand up again, dust off my bruised knees,
Look up, and continue making cartwheels.


:'D

Until next time!
Best wishes,
Heidy